Both betrayed the Lord. Both turned on him.

One died tragically only to be remembered as “the one who betrayed the Lord.”

The other, became the rock upon which the entire future church would be built.

Why?

I would like to conjecture that had Judas come back to Jesus, Jesus would have forgiven him. But Judas’ downfall was ultimately because Judas gave up and didn’t turn back to Him, but instead lost hope and gave up. He took his own life. The ultimate in hopelessness. The ultimate proclamation that there is no faith left for the Lord to redeem.

Peter, on the other hand, even though he ran away, didn’t.

I can only imagine what Peter felt after denying his Lord.

⁵⁴ Then they seized him and led him away, bringing him into the high priest’s house, and Peter was following at a distance. ⁵⁵ And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them.⁵⁶ Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” ⁵⁷ But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” ⁵⁸ And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” ⁵⁹ And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” ⁶⁰ But Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. ⁶¹ And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.”⁶² And he went out and wept bitterly.     (emphasis, mine) Luke 22:54-62 

But he stayed alive.

⁴ Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. ⁵ Jesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?”They answered him, “No.” ⁶ He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. ⁷ That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment, for he was stripped for work, and threw himself into the sea.⁸ The other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far from the land, but about a hundred yards^[a] off.

⁹ When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread. ¹⁰ Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish that you have just caught.” ¹¹ So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, 153 of them. And although there were so many, the net was not torn. ¹² Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” Now none of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. ¹³ Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and so with the fish. ¹⁴ This was now the third time that Jesus was revealed to the disciples after he was raised from the dead.

¹⁵ When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” ¹⁶ He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” ¹⁷ He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. ¹⁸ Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” ¹⁹ (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.” John 21:4-19

Peter must have felt awful. He must have remembered is own declaration of faith and then, confronted brutally with his own faithlessness and treacherous heart. But when he saw the Lord again, that was not his first thought.   Instead, he lunged and ran TOWARD the Lord. The Bible says in verse 7, upon realizing it was the Lord who had come, “he threw himself into the sea.” Even in the face of his own sinfulness and failure, his first inclination was still to run towards the Lord.  Jesus told them to bring fish, but Peter didn’t just bring ONE fish, but “hauled the net ashore full of large fish. (emphasis, mine).”

Every time I read the reinstatement and redemption of Peter, I am humbled and wrecked.  How?!

In this season, my struggle has been with the utter lack of faithfulness and goodness of man apart from God. My complete and utter disappointment with humanity has left me at a standstill.  Not willing to give up, but also, not able to fully move on.

There was a point in Jesus’ ministry when he released perhaps his most contentious and misunderstood statement, “I am the bread of life. ” All those carnal in nature thought he meant for people to literally eat his flesh and drink his blood.  The Bible says that many were offended and left him. “After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve. “Do you want to go away as well?” Peter replied, “Lord, to who shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:66-68)

So, Jesus. Here I am. I know, just as Peter knew, that you hold the words of eternal life, yet, I am unable to move forward. I too feel like, I know  too much to leave, but don’t know how to keep going. Where else would I go? Who else can help me? I want to be “better” so badly. I am crippled by the futility and faithlessness of my own soul, of the entire human race, in fact.

And yet, there is a small flicker in my heart. Peter did nothing deep and meaningful to warrant his future assignment. He denied. He hid. He ran away. But he differed from Judas in that he did not give up.

To not give up was nothing grand. It wasn’t a sermon. It wasn’t faithful quiet times. It wasn’t romantic. It was merely hanging onto the breath you gave him. He, unlike Judas, ran towards you when he saw you.  He stayed with your people. Judas faced you and then chose death instead.  Hopelessness engulfed him. Peter on the other hand, waited.

And You came back.

You called him. And he responded when you called. He stayed. When you asked him to feed your sheep he answered yes. When you reminded him of his betrayal by asking him 3 times, he was sad, but he still responded affirmatively.

So here I stay. Waiting. No answers. Rendered immobile by the state of my own utter uselessness.  Trapped by my own shame at my uselessness. Even though everything in me longs for heaven, I will not give up. I will wait. Wait for you to bestow upon me what I need to move on.

Then and only then will I know in the depth of my being…the truth that

Only God alone is good. 

 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)