aside from heaven explicitly, one of my strongest desires still echos it. but i long for it here.

if i could…if i didn’t have a family…i’d join a monastery.

i crave peace. quiet. harmony. love. acceptance. a ceasefire.

but i was born into a world addicted to fighting. each other at times. themselves at others.

quiet in my soul. in my mind. in my heart.

and yet…i was given a life that doesn’t allow me that luxury for long. doesn’t allow me to stay in the silence. to be in peace. i feel everything. even if my own soul is at peace, there is never truly a moment of silence because the world rages on. it tears at one another. killing with swords, words, hearts. and i see it. i feel it. i hate what i see.

his beloved children destroying one another.

i need your vision, Lord. your hope.

i long for the final moment when i will hear, you’re done. it’s done. i hope i will hear, well done.

i worry that i won’t, but i know, even if i don’t, at least i’ll have jesus’ face and peace finally.

Jesus, i cling to you because you are the only one that brings peace. You are the only one that IS Peace. everything i look for that doesn’t exist in this world can be found in you and you alone.

What does a slow paced person do in a fast-paced world?

A thinking person do in a world that prizes doing?

When the world feels made for round pegs and you feel like an asymmetrical dodecahedron?

And yet you long to be a nail that doesn’t stick out. The ones that stick out get the hammer.

And you know much too well, how happy people are to use that hammer.

But you came not for those who fit so well, but those who don’t.

This isn’t my home. And in some ways, I’m thankful for the consistent reminder, even when it’s painful. It keeps me close.

I enjoy complexity, but I also revel in simple matters.

And for me right now, I see things getting more and more complicated. More implicated.

The world will be craving a simple answer. But it’s going to be harder and harder to verbalize and find it in the midst of the torrent of voices being broadcasted out there.

“For many will come in My name, saying ‘I am the Christ’ and will mislead many. You will be hearing of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not frightened, for those things must take place, but that is not yet the end. For nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be famines and earthquakes. But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.” Matthew 24:7

I remember when I first read this more than twenty years ago, I imagined that the “I am the Christ” moments would look more like cult leaders appearing getting masses to drink Kool-Aid. However, now, sitting in 2020, I don’t think that’s how it’ll sound.

As the brokenness of the world and our nation becomes more glaringly apparent, many will propose their solutions. I believe the “I am the Christ” voices are going to sound more like “I have the answer to solve the world’s problems.” “Look at how we are going to fix fill-in-the-blank” Or “This is what Jesus looks like now, the remodeled version.” “Here’s this new way to look at Jesus or Scripture that you never saw before.” “The Church is so broken, stay mad at her.” All of these “I am the Messiah” statements, will be, those, leading people away from the fact that there is a real Jesus, who was and is the same from ancient times til now. He came and revealed himself. He is resilient to trends.

Here’s the thing, brothers and sisters in Christ, if our faith in God is based on anything apart from Christ, we’re not going to make it.

The days when our faith was sustained by music, great friends, meetings, busyness, our purposes being fulfilled, our minds getting filled with great existential ideas, emotional healing, our mission on earth, even. Those are ALL good things and a part of what He gives. However, what happens if all those things are gone?

It is important to do heart checks every once in a while. What will happen to our faith? Is our relationship with Him strong enough to withstand seeing those we love passionately disagreeing with us? With each other? What if to the point of hatred? Will our relationship with Him be able to withstand seeing all our comforts shaken? Our worlds as we know it crumble?

“And then many will fall away and betray oe another and hate one another. And many false propets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.” Matthew 24:10-14

There will come a day, and I don’t think that day is as far off as it used to seem it was, when all of us will truly have to know the face of the Jesus of the Bible. Not the one someone else told us about. Not the one that makes us most comfortable. We must take Him on HIS terms. Not our own. Jesus is a real person. He is indeed loving and fully accepting wanting us to live life to the full. However, there is no path to life without first “taking up our cross.” There is no resurrection power without first the grave. If we have embraced a Christianity that costs us nothing…that merely seeks to fulfill our most baseline comforts, that never requires us to repent, then, we do not know Him.

On the contrary, if the only thing that God wants to talk to you about is sin. If you never feel joy with Him, if all you want to do all day long is correct other people and live in a perpetual state of frustration with humanity…My question for you is, the fruit and evidence of the Spirit of God is love, where is your love? your joy? Your patience? There is something you are missing in who Jesus is too.

Jesus is both Lion AND Lamb. Jesus is both victory and grief. Jesus is one who sits on the throne but also lies with us in green pastures.

It is going to be imperative that we know not a “new” Jesus. But as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 11:4, people will be preaching “another Jesus other than the one we proclaimed,” with a “different spirit than the one you received” or “a different gospel from the one you accepted.” We will need to remember the most basic things of the gospel. Jesus himself.

The indictment in Matthew 7:21-23, is that of not being known by him and not doing his will. Those two things reflect, first, a strong relationship where life has been shared, hearts made intimate with one another. Second, that there was action, obedience and follow-through with that love relationship, an understanding of right order in that relationship. Sometimes people think it’s just intimacy and lose the sight of the fact that it is a privelege and honor to be that close with the God of the universe.

Jesus reveals Himself in the Word. He left His Holy Spirit here now to talk with us. He’s not someone unknowable. But it will take time.

I believe we are seeing the beginnings of nations rising against nation, kingdoms rising against kingdoms, brothers betraying brothers. Whether or not we actually see Jesus physically return, we are now seeing the birth pangs begin. When we see these things, we must know what they point to and remember that the word said, “See to it you are not alarmed, for this must take place.” Matthew 24:10

I don’t know when this will all take place, but what I do know, is our faith as believers, if any of it is anchored in something separate from the person and character of Christ Jesus, if any of our faith is based on Him following US and not the other way around, we may not make it.

It’s become very simple. Take the world but give me Jesus.

The political spirit.I’m not an expert. But what I know is this. The political spirit makes us take sides.

Now it came about when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing opposite him with his sword drawn in his hand, and Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and bowed down, and said to him, “Are you for us or for our adversaries?” He said, “No (emphasis, mine). Rather I indeed come now as captain of the host of the Lord.” Joshua 5:14

He is saying, there is only one right side. God’s side. God is not coming to support a human side. He is asking us to come along His side.

The political spirit divides. It judges. It shames. It blames. It pressures. It excludes. It divides. It accuses. It manipulates. Sometimes those judgments, shamings, pressure and accusations are pointed towards others and other times, it’s pointed towards yourself.

It sounds like: If you don’t say something then you don’t care. If you were really righteous, holy, good, fill-in-the-blank...you would do yada yada.

Either way, it is a counterfeit.

Counterfeit righteousness. Counterfeit of godly conviction. Self-righteousness.

There is only one righteousness and that is found in the One that is Truth incarnate.

There is only one side. And that side is His side.

He determines what is right and wrong.

The Spirit of God brings people together. It is the Spirt of Truth himself, that brings about godly sorrow and repentance and change. This godly conviction is laced in grace, begging of mercy, bringing about freedom and peace. It opens the door for love to flow freely. It says, we are all one. We all need forgiveness. It says, what causes people to hate, fear, and oppress is in all of us. It causes us to look at what we can change in ourselves.

The political spirit demands others to change, making us fixate to the point of frustration and anger, hoping to find breeding ground for bitterness. The spirit of God invites us to change. And invites others to change alongside us.

Right now, the political spirit is rampant. It is rampant in the church and outside the church. Wanting us to fight each other and not recognize that our battle is not between humans, but between a darkness that wants humans to destroy each other and to deny Christ. This force wants us to see the evil that the enemy has sown and become so angry that we become hopeless, embittered, and permanently angry. So angry that we can no longer find goodness and find God in the midst of the suffering of humanity.

“For our battle is not between flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 6:12,13.

There is a battle out there between good and evil. At stake isn’t just the discussion on race, but at the moment, God wants to talk about race.

And if we can’t see that, and if we wonder, why can’t we get on with it, let’s just talk about the gospel, then we must examine our hearts.

Right now, the fight to eradicate racism IS the gospel made manifest in our nation. This is a moment in history that God knew would happen. Jesus came to the poor, the voiceless. He spoke to women, lepers, the racially ostracized. He did not come for those who were well, He came for the sick. He said that to love the least of these was to love Him.

Part of love is mourning when fellow man is mourning and celebrating when that person celebrates. Our land is mourning. The world has seen the pain before most of the Church has. All the while, portions of the Church still deny the existence of racism today.

To deny the existence of racism in the American church is to not know our history. There is much to be celebrated in this nation. Much beauty and goodness. However, the original sin of this nation is racism.We cannot cry out for revival and not address the inequalities and oppression that has been carried out by our very hands, that has tainted the purity of the gospel from its inception in this nation. Our broken cistern has been exposed. What are we going to do about it?

The Church in America must repent of racism and actively rebuild the nation without traces of it. The Church’s denial has led to the continuation of it. And that sin has ramifications. The Word of God says it produces death. Death to our witness of Jesus.

I believe that there could be if it hasn’t happened already irreparable damage done to our witness and ability to reveal Christ if we don’t mend this cistern.

Nothing will heal if the world leads the charge. They will propose policies. But they will not mend hearts. They will have no way to restore and rebuild and heal the trauma like Christ can. They will change laws, but they will denounce our God and curse his followers. They will sow bitterness, vitriol and rewrite the history of our nation to only include the sins of the church and not her greatest moments of strength.They will forget to mention that most of the abolitionists who led the way to free the slaves were those who knew and loved Jesus. That that movement emerged after the Second Great Awakening, a revival. They will forget to mention that Dr. Martin Luther King was a preacher, a man that loved the God of the Christian Bible. They will forget to mention that it is because of the imago dei, that Black lives matter. Because they matter to God. Black lives are also, made in the image of our Creator. It is our God’s idea first. Not the world’s.

Just because the gospel was able to withstand the evils of racism does not mean that God condones it. And as it is with every sin in our lives, if we invite Him in, He will want to address them, one by one until He finally hits the core of our hurts. He is like that. Healing, addressing, giving opportunity to repent and change so we can become and reflect the new creation he’s already made us.

Saying we disagree with racism isn’t saying we are okay with the rest of the values of the world and its ways. Saying there is this thing, this sin, that God wants to remove from the Church isn’t nullifying the power and beauty that is in her. It is merely saying, Beloved, I love you too much to let this continue to hinder you. Beloved, I want to come in greater power so will you let me take the speck out of your eye? I want to make you pure and spotless, will you let me?

What I’d love to see is the Body of Christ emerge as the one leading the conversation. I’d love to see us praying for the Body that is in denial for compassion to rise up. I’d love us to not shame her into admission, but rather, challenge her through love, holding up a mirror to the suffering in her midst that is happening to her very own body, and pray that she would confront her own heart and bring it before the feet of Jesus. And that the rest of the Body, as she makes that realization, welcome her, help her.

Words come slower to me than to others.

When I encounter trauma, I stop. Everything in me freezes.  I feel the fear of my childhood.

I feel my mother’s assaulting words controlling me, her voice trying to pierce through my well-practiced wall of protection, sometimes her hands physically threaten my young body.

If I only don’t say anything. If I don’t do anything. Then I’ll make it. I’ll stay alive. She’ll eventually go away.

Stopping. Freezing. Staying silent. Keeping my most precious thoughts to myself. It’s been how I’ve stayed alive.

The more precious something is. The less I want to share it. The more raw, the more hidden I want to keep it.

I watch and see the smart ones, the articulate ones.  The passionate anointed, gifted ones. The ones who seem to never run out of words. The ones who write like I only wish I did. The ones who speak as if painting a masterpiece. I watch their ministries. I watch their heroic brave leadership. And I shrink back. I’m not like them.  Just get by. Don’t say anything.  My weaknesses like a glaring sign writing me off. Telling me I have nothing to offer.

And I think. I should just let them talk. I should just let them say it. They would do it better.

And I do. And I have.

But then, I feel Him. He doesn’t stop. It’s at first a nudge. Then, a whisper. Then a knocking. Then, a pestering. Then an incessant constant thudding. It doesn’t go away. No matter how I ignore it. I fear it but I also long for it. Because it’s in me. It’s how He’s made me.   

I cannot ignore. I cannot shut it out. I want to. I wish I could. It would be easier.

But I see the devastation of sin in the world. And it kills me. But Jesus came to eradicate this…

And yet, here we are…still running from Him. Still blaming each other. Still angry and fighting those we were called to love. Still dividing that which we were called to bind together.

I turn to my Maker, my friend, my Lord. I stare at those in the distance, and I say, okay, wherever you take me, I’ll go. My life here is short anyway. Even if I sound stupid, even if I feel like dying every single day, my life belongs to you.

Two parts.

I feel like I’m constantly living in two parts. Each part pulling and pulling tighter til all I feel is strain, tightness of chest and loss of breath.

They war with each other. They often resent each other’s existence, wishing to be the sole captain of this ship called me.  One is young, vulnerable, selfish.  The other is others focused, generous, able and desiring to bear the burdens of others for the sake of Christ.

One part wants to live alone on a mountain or somewhere solitary, overlooking some beautiful scenic view without another person around. She resents interruptions, pretensions and falisities of all sorts and is weary of strangers and familiar people alike.

The other part wants to sit around talking with people endlessly, hearing the state of their hearts, revelling in the honor of being able to participate in the trusted terrain of another’s soul. She relishes in seeing the eternal seeds of heaven deposited into the hearts of mankind and hopes to see them come to life in her lifetime.

One part would live all day in the midst of hello kittys, asian dramas, stuffed animals, books and cute things, eating, and drinking.  She craves innocence and purity, finding so little in this world. This little one, she doesn’t much like noise, is easily startled and distracted. She tends towards despair and sadness. She borders on nihilism, deeming everyone and everything meaningless.

She watches the world, everyone flittering and fluttering about in their self-importance and hubris, and concludes…every person on earth is an idiot (herself included). And every nation is damned because of them. Countries are filled with insane leaders and selfish, stupid citizens. Men are predatory, scary and narcissistic. Women are vain, petty and weak. And children must live in fear of them.

She has no hope for the world, seeing only broken, dysfunctional people daily hurting each other and releasing new consequences of sin into this world with every breath they take. Then, in turn, she watches them blame each other for the very consequences they took part in creating.  She sees their wisdom as complete foolishness and wants them all to just stop already. She is angered by the overt selfishness and incompetence of mankind.  They refuse to recognize and do what is good for them.

She doesn’t know how to overcome her complete disappointment with the world and in turn has turned away from it.

She’s been squished, squashed and shut down. And she’s had it. No more. She wants out of this confinement and feels it’s her turn to be heard. Currently, it feels like this part of me is winning. It’s hard to see beyond this glum perspective.

But I am not only that little ball of negativity and hopelessness…she’s not the only one in there.

I am also a grown woman. One who has seen the grace and goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I know that this is a season. One with an expiration date and a purpose.

The grown me knows she knows can’t trust what she sees with her eyes. Her feelings are not truth. She must believe with her heart that there is something better…someone better, who will come and redeem, restore, and free humanity from this self-inflicted catastrophe. He’s already come. And He will come again. She has to fight to hold onto that belief, until she sees His face again. She knows she must win, otherwise, others will die along with her. She knows that she was born into a world that needs what the Lord has to offer.  It’s not on her effort, but she also can’t just lay there and shrink back.

She looks upon the world with compassion, knowing that the Father has already seen it all and still chose to help.  The Father saw un-sanctified man and he chose to love us anyway. He held nothing back in this violent pursuit of love.  It cost Him everything, but even in the face of betrayal and utter humiliation and denial, He CHOSE this disloyal people and gave them a way towards life.  This Father did not come to point his perfect little finger and accuse, but rather save us from further accusation.

There’s another person inside me. And that person loves Jesus with all her might and longs for nothing more than to see the world’s misconceptions of Him disappear. She longs for others to see Him as He really is.  She wants to see Him come back for his loved ones.   She knows that this life will be done in the blink of an eye and all the tiredness and exhaustion will one day be no more. It will be worth it if she sees and hears her Father tell her, “Well done.”

Jesus.

The war is still at hand. May the Truth win.

 

  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:32, 37-39

 

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6 

When I was little, I’d imagine him riding in on a white horse coming to rescue me from my life of hell.

Only, when he came back, it was not reprieve or salvation, but rather a final blow to an image created in my own mind.

He was no hero. But a liar.  And I was no princess, but a bastard no one wanted.

And just like he came, he left.

Not to be seen again for 17 years.

Out of nowhere he showed up when I was 29 years old. And with much concerted effort, we tried. We tried to move past the glaring reality of his betrayal and disloyalty.  I tried to forgive, to accept, to receive him. We had moving conversations. Years of attempts at reconciliation. But what can you do without a baseline of trust?

And then 2 or so years ago, he left again. Without a word.  No phone calls. No emails. Just silence. And then more recently I realized he had severed the last tie we had. And just like that, he was gone again.

Only this time. I wasn’t a child.

The barriers I’d put up before I knew the Lord were gone. My heart exposed. Poised to trust and hope. And so this last blow hurt more than I had anticipated.

I have come to understand that we are all a byproduct of our environments. If given the chance, none of us would choose to live a life born of war, violence, ignorance, poverty, or suffering.   I don’t believe any sane mother or father would want to mistreat or abandon their children.

But intentions and reality are not the same.  Good intentions don’t mean that pain is alleviated. Or that suffering can be avoided.   My parents both grew up in the midst of political turmoil, war, poverty, and pain.  Whole, emotionally well families were not the dream.  Alive ones were.

I don’t blame my parents for what they were unable to provide, but I still grieve.  I grieve their inability to make good choices. I grieve their ignorance. I grieve their selfishness. I grieve their environment. I grieve the kind of godless existence that would produce such brokenness. I mourn and mourn and mourn til there is nothing left in me to mourn and then the next day, I find, there is yet more in there to discard.

I am two people. An adult that understands. And a little girl that doesn’t.

I hate it. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself.  And I refuse to. But in this season, I can only stare honestly at myself and weep for the things that that little girl still to this day longs for.  If I’m honest with myself, I hate that she longs for it. But I cannot hate her. I must embrace her because she is myself. She is the self that I have silenced and cursed and ignored.

I stand as a bystander watching her ache, cry out for parents, for someone to understand her.

I know that the Word says He is father to the fatherless.

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you! Isaiah 49:15

I have no false hopes that this love can come from a human source anymore. But I am still grieving that this must be my reality.

I am fully aware that this type of love can only come from God.   He is here. He is healing. I must let go in order to let Him embrace me.  But it is slow. It is terrifying in its intensity.  And all I can do is lay. Lay as a lump of coal burning in the fire of His embrace and hope the embers will eventually die down and I can emerge once again.  But this time, not as two people, but one.

Both betrayed the Lord. Both turned on him.

One died tragically only to be remembered as “the one who betrayed the Lord.”

The other, became the rock upon which the entire future church would be built.

Why?

I would like to conjecture that had Judas come back to Jesus, Jesus would have forgiven him. But Judas’ downfall was ultimately because Judas gave up and didn’t turn back to Him, but instead lost hope and gave up. He took his own life. The ultimate in hopelessness. The ultimate proclamation that there is no faith left for the Lord to redeem.

Peter, on the other hand, even though he ran away, didn’t.

I can only imagine what Peter felt after denying his Lord.

⁵⁴ Then they seized him and led him away, bringing him into the high priest’s house, and Peter was following at a distance. ⁵⁵ And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them.⁵⁶ Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” ⁵⁷ But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” ⁵⁸ And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” ⁵⁹ And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” ⁶⁰ But Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. ⁶¹ And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.”⁶² And he went out and wept bitterly.     (emphasis, mine) Luke 22:54-62 

But he stayed alive.

⁴ Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. ⁵ Jesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?”They answered him, “No.” ⁶ He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. ⁷ That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment, for he was stripped for work, and threw himself into the sea.⁸ The other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far from the land, but about a hundred yards^[a] off.

⁹ When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread. ¹⁰ Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish that you have just caught.” ¹¹ So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, 153 of them. And although there were so many, the net was not torn. ¹² Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” Now none of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. ¹³ Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and so with the fish. ¹⁴ This was now the third time that Jesus was revealed to the disciples after he was raised from the dead.

¹⁵ When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” ¹⁶ He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” ¹⁷ He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. ¹⁸ Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” ¹⁹ (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.” John 21:4-19

Peter must have felt awful. He must have remembered is own declaration of faith and then, confronted brutally with his own faithlessness and treacherous heart. But when he saw the Lord again, that was not his first thought.   Instead, he lunged and ran TOWARD the Lord. The Bible says in verse 7, upon realizing it was the Lord who had come, “he threw himself into the sea.” Even in the face of his own sinfulness and failure, his first inclination was still to run towards the Lord.  Jesus told them to bring fish, but Peter didn’t just bring ONE fish, but “hauled the net ashore full of large fish. (emphasis, mine).”

Every time I read the reinstatement and redemption of Peter, I am humbled and wrecked.  How?!

In this season, my struggle has been with the utter lack of faithfulness and goodness of man apart from God. My complete and utter disappointment with humanity has left me at a standstill.  Not willing to give up, but also, not able to fully move on.

There was a point in Jesus’ ministry when he released perhaps his most contentious and misunderstood statement, “I am the bread of life. ” All those carnal in nature thought he meant for people to literally eat his flesh and drink his blood.  The Bible says that many were offended and left him. “After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve. “Do you want to go away as well?” Peter replied, “Lord, to who shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.” (John 6:66-68)

So, Jesus. Here I am. I know, just as Peter knew, that you hold the words of eternal life, yet, I am unable to move forward. I too feel like, I know  too much to leave, but don’t know how to keep going. Where else would I go? Who else can help me? I want to be “better” so badly. I am crippled by the futility and faithlessness of my own soul, of the entire human race, in fact.

And yet, there is a small flicker in my heart. Peter did nothing deep and meaningful to warrant his future assignment. He denied. He hid. He ran away. But he differed from Judas in that he did not give up.

To not give up was nothing grand. It wasn’t a sermon. It wasn’t faithful quiet times. It wasn’t romantic. It was merely hanging onto the breath you gave him. He, unlike Judas, ran towards you when he saw you.  He stayed with your people. Judas faced you and then chose death instead.  Hopelessness engulfed him. Peter on the other hand, waited.

And You came back.

You called him. And he responded when you called. He stayed. When you asked him to feed your sheep he answered yes. When you reminded him of his betrayal by asking him 3 times, he was sad, but he still responded affirmatively.

So here I stay. Waiting. No answers. Rendered immobile by the state of my own utter uselessness.  Trapped by my own shame at my uselessness. Even though everything in me longs for heaven, I will not give up. I will wait. Wait for you to bestow upon me what I need to move on.

Then and only then will I know in the depth of my being…the truth that

Only God alone is good. 

 

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

I used to blog. Back in the day when I sat in my tiny little cubicle and wished daily that I could do something else, I would blog or journal. Not for anyone in particular…just myself. My mind would wander and imagine that I was a butterfly, carried by the wind away from that tiny, dark little desk.

I’d write diatribes about the inhumane-ness of putting people behind desks in little cages called “cubicles.”

One may have called me dramatic.  Maybe.

In those days, I had oceans of thoughts. I wanted to write them all down. I thought I would never run out of things to think about or write. I was almost constantly overwhelmed by them and if I didn’t write them down, I was awash with panic from them overtaking me.

Then, I had children.

And every thinking brain cell was squeezed out by hormones and the humbling realization that my small humans would die if I thought about anything but them.

And now…those tiny humans are still tiny, but they can walk and talk and go to school.

Today, the first day I felt peace and quiet in months, I felt the Lord say, “Write.”

“But Lord, I don’t have anything to say.”

I feared I’d have nothing to say. I feared that if I wrote it in here, I’d have nothing to preach.  In my season of early motherhood, revelation and thoughts were scarce. Only one valuable coherent droplet would come from heaven every few months.

But even as I thought and felt those fears, a bigger one emerged. Images of Aaron leading people to build a golden calf came to mind.  Why did Moses even NEED Aaron? Because Moses gave excuses and didn’t think he could lead the people out of Israel.  He thought his shortcomings were too big. And so the Lord let him have help. But note. It was not God’s Plan A.  God’s Plan A was Moses without Aaron. (See Exodus 4:10-17).

No, Lord! May it never be! If He says do something, do it and do it quickly and do it the way He tells you. Otherwise you may talk yourself out of following Him.

So, here I am. Blogging. Bleh. But OBEYING. YAY.

And, I had the sneaking suspicion He would give me the content.

This blog is the result of obedience.

Here’s to quick obedience and no golden calves.

To borrow a term from a favorite author of mine, Brennan Manning, welcome to the “meanderings of a ragamuffin.”

And to highlight how much of a ragamuffin, I truly am…I misspelled ragamuffin, and so my blog-site is forever going to be http://www.meanderingsofaraggamuffin.com, with two “g’s.