Words come slower to me than to others.

When I encounter trauma, I stop. Everything in me freezes.  I feel the fear of my childhood.

I feel my mother’s assaulting words controlling me, her voice trying to pierce through my well-practiced wall of protection, sometimes her hands physically threaten my young body.

If I only don’t say anything. If I don’t do anything. Then I’ll make it. I’ll stay alive. She’ll eventually go away.

Stopping. Freezing. Staying silent. Keeping my most precious thoughts to myself. It’s been how I’ve stayed alive.

The more precious something is. The less I want to share it. The more raw, the more hidden I want to keep it.

I watch and see the smart ones, the articulate ones.  The passionate anointed, gifted ones. The ones who seem to never run out of words. The ones who write like I only wish I did. The ones who speak as if painting a masterpiece. I watch their ministries. I watch their heroic brave leadership. And I shrink back. I’m not like them.  Just get by. Don’t say anything.  My weaknesses like a glaring sign writing me off. Telling me I have nothing to offer.

And I think. I should just let them talk. I should just let them say it. They would do it better.

And I do. And I have.

But then, I feel Him. He doesn’t stop. It’s at first a nudge. Then, a whisper. Then a knocking. Then, a pestering. Then an incessant constant thudding. It doesn’t go away. No matter how I ignore it. I fear it but I also long for it. Because it’s in me. It’s how He’s made me.   

I cannot ignore. I cannot shut it out. I want to. I wish I could. It would be easier.

But I see the devastation of sin in the world. And it kills me. But Jesus came to eradicate this…

And yet, here we are…still running from Him. Still blaming each other. Still angry and fighting those we were called to love. Still dividing that which we were called to bind together.

I turn to my Maker, my friend, my Lord. I stare at those in the distance, and I say, okay, wherever you take me, I’ll go. My life here is short anyway. Even if I sound stupid, even if I feel like dying every single day, my life belongs to you.