Two parts.

I feel like I’m constantly living in two parts. Each part pulling and pulling tighter til all I feel is strain, tightness of chest and loss of breath.

They war with each other. They often resent each other’s existence, wishing to be the sole captain of this ship called me.  One is young, vulnerable, selfish.  The other is others focused, generous, able and desiring to bear the burdens of others for the sake of Christ.

One part wants to live alone on a mountain or somewhere solitary, overlooking some beautiful scenic view without another person around. She resents interruptions, pretensions and falisities of all sorts and is weary of strangers and familiar people alike.

The other part wants to sit around talking with people endlessly, hearing the state of their hearts, revelling in the honor of being able to participate in the trusted terrain of another’s soul. She relishes in seeing the eternal seeds of heaven deposited into the hearts of mankind and hopes to see them come to life in her lifetime.

One part would live all day in the midst of hello kittys, asian dramas, stuffed animals, books and cute things, eating, and drinking.  She craves innocence and purity, finding so little in this world. This little one, she doesn’t much like noise, is easily startled and distracted. She tends towards despair and sadness. She borders on nihilism, deeming everyone and everything meaningless.

She watches the world, everyone flittering and fluttering about in their self-importance and hubris, and concludes…every person on earth is an idiot (herself included). And every nation is damned because of them. Countries are filled with insane leaders and selfish, stupid citizens. Men are predatory, scary and narcissistic. Women are vain, petty and weak. And children must live in fear of them.

She has no hope for the world, seeing only broken, dysfunctional people daily hurting each other and releasing new consequences of sin into this world with every breath they take. Then, in turn, she watches them blame each other for the very consequences they took part in creating.  She sees their wisdom as complete foolishness and wants them all to just stop already. She is angered by the overt selfishness and incompetence of mankind.  They refuse to recognize and do what is good for them.

She doesn’t know how to overcome her complete disappointment with the world and in turn has turned away from it.

She’s been squished, squashed and shut down. And she’s had it. No more. She wants out of this confinement and feels it’s her turn to be heard. Currently, it feels like this part of me is winning. It’s hard to see beyond this glum perspective.

But I am not only that little ball of negativity and hopelessness…she’s not the only one in there.

I am also a grown woman. One who has seen the grace and goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I know that this is a season. One with an expiration date and a purpose.

The grown me knows she knows can’t trust what she sees with her eyes. Her feelings are not truth. She must believe with her heart that there is something better…someone better, who will come and redeem, restore, and free humanity from this self-inflicted catastrophe. He’s already come. And He will come again. She has to fight to hold onto that belief, until she sees His face again. She knows she must win, otherwise, others will die along with her. She knows that she was born into a world that needs what the Lord has to offer.  It’s not on her effort, but she also can’t just lay there and shrink back.

She looks upon the world with compassion, knowing that the Father has already seen it all and still chose to help.  The Father saw un-sanctified man and he chose to love us anyway. He held nothing back in this violent pursuit of love.  It cost Him everything, but even in the face of betrayal and utter humiliation and denial, He CHOSE this disloyal people and gave them a way towards life.  This Father did not come to point his perfect little finger and accuse, but rather save us from further accusation.

There’s another person inside me. And that person loves Jesus with all her might and longs for nothing more than to see the world’s misconceptions of Him disappear. She longs for others to see Him as He really is.  She wants to see Him come back for his loved ones.   She knows that this life will be done in the blink of an eye and all the tiredness and exhaustion will one day be no more. It will be worth it if she sees and hears her Father tell her, “Well done.”

Jesus.

The war is still at hand. May the Truth win.

 

  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:32, 37-39

 

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6